Back to where it all began...
So, finally it s almost time to go back in time somehow - I will go back to the states after over 22 years of time.
The circle will be completed then somehow for me...and ends where it started. Funny, isn t it!?
Back to a country, I felt - for the first time in life - free from a home, which wasn t a home at all really for me.
Back to the people who showed me for the first time in my life, what a „family“ is all about and how it really feels to be there for one another and to love one another and to believe in one another. Hart thing for me to swallow and at that time and it hits me with a big hammer somehow, how a family really can be and was at that time in my life.
It effected me a lot and it helped me to escape my demons and helped me to raise my own kids much more the „American“ way than the way I was raised.
To break this traditional-family-rules somehow was pretty hard and a tough time followed. After being a single mum when my third child was born in 2000, I found out, what was good for me and my kids - and not common in Germany, for my „family“ or the society or anybody else. So I tried to make up and build the day around the need my kids got - and not about what was common.
It was all I ever wanted, children - and my three little kids at that time were so precious for me that I wanted to be the best mum for them and give them all my love and a lot of freedom to grow up.
What I didn t expect was the fact, that my past came back in different forms, like I always had problems to change diapers - not only from my kids - but I never really knew why. It was just a feeling, which was always there without finding words for that feeling.... I always had the feeling, I do something wrong and it s not okay, the way I changed the diaper, although I didn t do anything wrong - I got this feeling again, when I had to change them from my kids. But I never got an explanation for that, only some months ago from my therapist, who told me that it s a traumatic stress from the abuse I experienced and that I am not the only one, who feels that way.
The past months, feelings „became“ names and all of the sudden, my whole view on things, behaviors and acting by myself was all clear and made sense - so many years later.
Now.
But back then everything was just new to me and I really felt at home for the first time in my life - in a foreign country, with a foreign family. But they gave me so much, they probably never knew. Me either.
The language was so familiar to me, that it felt better to speak English than German and when I was back in Germany, I really had to face the fact, that my German got bad somehow. I forgot German words and couldn t remember them - and I didnt care at all. Except some people acted „strange“, they just couldn t imagine the way I felt.
This, as well, was a traumatic stress.
So after some time, I got to know a man from Ghana/Africa and we spoke English and I really loved the way he was - he took his time for everything he did and he didn t take life too serious, what I liked as well. He was different and I liked that and I got pregnant shortly after we met, which was okay for me - although a lot of people thought I am crazy at that time.
But for me, it was a fulfillment. And time was not important for me back then, just the feeling of feeling „at home“.
I always wanted to have a family of my own, a baby and someone, who cares for me. That was my reason back then to get married as well - it felt right for me at that time.
Still does today - if I look back - back in those days.
I really believe, everything has a meaning - and that was mine.
After we got married, I felt at home with this man by my side and our first daughter - still I had some difficulties being so close to somebody, but I just thought, I am stupid and I
„pushed“ it away.
I studied at that time as well - I wanted to be a teacher - and I felt happy and meant to be a mum and I really couldn t figure out, why some people still had problems with my husband. Suddenly I was asked, if it s not strange for me to have a child with darker skin than mine - and I must admit, I never really thought about that at all.
I don t see a difference between people: who you are, how you look, whom you love etc. I really don t care about that, as long as nobody gets hurt or injured - who cares !?
And I actually like „different“ people, because I really believe, that these difference let us get to know each other more - but I never thought about what skin color my kids would have or if I would „choose“ a „white“ partner or not. I didn t care for things like that - I still don t.
(Although I believe that love doesn t have a skin color or a gender - I really believe and I experienced, that love is there, you can t plan or expect it - it just happens like the greatest thunder and hits you like that as well! And if you really experience „the love of your life“, it sweeps you off your feet anyways!)
My kids are my kids and I don t need to see „my“ color on them - as long as they are happy and healthy, I am fine as well and I don t care about the rest. I never did, still don t. Although it was quite hard sometimes to feel, to hear and to see the reaction of some people, when I said this is my husband or these are my children. But this is life, some people are strange and always will be. Still today, still in the future.
The only thing which came my way all the time were little influences about this traumatic stress - in every minute, it seems, if I look back - I was influenced by the abuse which started when I was about six/seven years old and ended shortly before I went to the United States, so it last for approx. ten years. What a long time...but back then I didn t really „see“ everything and my „brain“ worked perfectly well „hiding“ and „forgetting“ everything, so that I could keep on going with my life. Somehow it worked, just the feeling about „ I need to feel loved“ was there and played a big role without me knowing about it.
So, what I actually wanted to say is, that I talked to „my host grandma“ some months ago and finally told her, how „life saving“ her and her family was for me and how they all influenced me, my life with my children - and that I found this out only recently, since I really worked with my traumatic experiences, since I got some more time for myself and since my kids are grown now and - which is important to see - how wonderful my kids are now as grown ups, just because I decided to give up all I learned about raising children and made it my way - with a lot of influence of the American way I learned some years before.
So now, after all those years, feeling and seeing what was and happened, I feel really thankful for this time in the US back in 1992/3 - because it really saved my life.
And the life of my children somehow as well - although it meant to take new ways and steps back in my twenties, through the pain of the memories of a traumatic experiences in the middle of my thirties and through everything what it makes with you even decades later and today.
I was so much lost in my memories, my body reactions and the pain of this abuse, sometimes it was even hard to stay alive and my kids were my ancer somehow as well back some years ago.
Loosing your health, your work and everything which was important for you destroys a person s life - and when then memories and flashbacks and physical as well as psychic reactions follow, there s no hope really that it will get better at all someday!
Nothing counted anymore, except the responsibility for my kids.
And there is and will be no way to explain, how hard it is to go through this really hard, dark and painful time ... and then, somehow it got better. I don t know why - suddenly there was a light again, although the disabilities were still there, are still there - I survived. Again.
And now I see, why all of this happened. I wrote a book - and I am just writing my second - one regarding the following disorders of child sexual abuse and it really still surprises me, when I hear from others who experienced that too, how thankful they are for my words, for my book because they don t find words for what happened to them.
Fighting for your right to be heard, especially in this taboo field, is really hard and to get out of this feeling of guilt as well.
But I believe it s worth it, no matter how hard it is, this taboo has to be broken! Too many kids and too many adults - men and women - are affected by child sexual abuse.
AND they have to be informed, what the effects of this abuse might have on them.
Just since a year now, I feel better and I really see the light again in life - in my life and how much it (and I myself) was influenced by some people and now, I am really thankful for that!
Mel Alazza
So, finally it s almost time to go back in time somehow - I will go back to the states after over 22 years of time.
The circle will be completed then somehow for me...and ends where it started. Funny, isn t it!?
Back to a country, I felt - for the first time in life - free from a home, which wasn t a home at all really for me.
Back to the people who showed me for the first time in my life, what a „family“ is all about and how it really feels to be there for one another and to love one another and to believe in one another. Hart thing for me to swallow and at that time and it hits me with a big hammer somehow, how a family really can be and was at that time in my life.
It effected me a lot and it helped me to escape my demons and helped me to raise my own kids much more the „American“ way than the way I was raised.
To break this traditional-family-rules somehow was pretty hard and a tough time followed. After being a single mum when my third child was born in 2000, I found out, what was good for me and my kids - and not common in Germany, for my „family“ or the society or anybody else. So I tried to make up and build the day around the need my kids got - and not about what was common.
It was all I ever wanted, children - and my three little kids at that time were so precious for me that I wanted to be the best mum for them and give them all my love and a lot of freedom to grow up.
What I didn t expect was the fact, that my past came back in different forms, like I always had problems to change diapers - not only from my kids - but I never really knew why. It was just a feeling, which was always there without finding words for that feeling.... I always had the feeling, I do something wrong and it s not okay, the way I changed the diaper, although I didn t do anything wrong - I got this feeling again, when I had to change them from my kids. But I never got an explanation for that, only some months ago from my therapist, who told me that it s a traumatic stress from the abuse I experienced and that I am not the only one, who feels that way.
The past months, feelings „became“ names and all of the sudden, my whole view on things, behaviors and acting by myself was all clear and made sense - so many years later.
Now.
But back then everything was just new to me and I really felt at home for the first time in my life - in a foreign country, with a foreign family. But they gave me so much, they probably never knew. Me either.
The language was so familiar to me, that it felt better to speak English than German and when I was back in Germany, I really had to face the fact, that my German got bad somehow. I forgot German words and couldn t remember them - and I didnt care at all. Except some people acted „strange“, they just couldn t imagine the way I felt.
This, as well, was a traumatic stress.
So after some time, I got to know a man from Ghana/Africa and we spoke English and I really loved the way he was - he took his time for everything he did and he didn t take life too serious, what I liked as well. He was different and I liked that and I got pregnant shortly after we met, which was okay for me - although a lot of people thought I am crazy at that time.
But for me, it was a fulfillment. And time was not important for me back then, just the feeling of feeling „at home“.
I always wanted to have a family of my own, a baby and someone, who cares for me. That was my reason back then to get married as well - it felt right for me at that time.
Still does today - if I look back - back in those days.
I really believe, everything has a meaning - and that was mine.
After we got married, I felt at home with this man by my side and our first daughter - still I had some difficulties being so close to somebody, but I just thought, I am stupid and I
„pushed“ it away.
I studied at that time as well - I wanted to be a teacher - and I felt happy and meant to be a mum and I really couldn t figure out, why some people still had problems with my husband. Suddenly I was asked, if it s not strange for me to have a child with darker skin than mine - and I must admit, I never really thought about that at all.
I don t see a difference between people: who you are, how you look, whom you love etc. I really don t care about that, as long as nobody gets hurt or injured - who cares !?
And I actually like „different“ people, because I really believe, that these difference let us get to know each other more - but I never thought about what skin color my kids would have or if I would „choose“ a „white“ partner or not. I didn t care for things like that - I still don t.
(Although I believe that love doesn t have a skin color or a gender - I really believe and I experienced, that love is there, you can t plan or expect it - it just happens like the greatest thunder and hits you like that as well! And if you really experience „the love of your life“, it sweeps you off your feet anyways!)
My kids are my kids and I don t need to see „my“ color on them - as long as they are happy and healthy, I am fine as well and I don t care about the rest. I never did, still don t. Although it was quite hard sometimes to feel, to hear and to see the reaction of some people, when I said this is my husband or these are my children. But this is life, some people are strange and always will be. Still today, still in the future.
The only thing which came my way all the time were little influences about this traumatic stress - in every minute, it seems, if I look back - I was influenced by the abuse which started when I was about six/seven years old and ended shortly before I went to the United States, so it last for approx. ten years. What a long time...but back then I didn t really „see“ everything and my „brain“ worked perfectly well „hiding“ and „forgetting“ everything, so that I could keep on going with my life. Somehow it worked, just the feeling about „ I need to feel loved“ was there and played a big role without me knowing about it.
So, what I actually wanted to say is, that I talked to „my host grandma“ some months ago and finally told her, how „life saving“ her and her family was for me and how they all influenced me, my life with my children - and that I found this out only recently, since I really worked with my traumatic experiences, since I got some more time for myself and since my kids are grown now and - which is important to see - how wonderful my kids are now as grown ups, just because I decided to give up all I learned about raising children and made it my way - with a lot of influence of the American way I learned some years before.
So now, after all those years, feeling and seeing what was and happened, I feel really thankful for this time in the US back in 1992/3 - because it really saved my life.
And the life of my children somehow as well - although it meant to take new ways and steps back in my twenties, through the pain of the memories of a traumatic experiences in the middle of my thirties and through everything what it makes with you even decades later and today.
I was so much lost in my memories, my body reactions and the pain of this abuse, sometimes it was even hard to stay alive and my kids were my ancer somehow as well back some years ago.
Loosing your health, your work and everything which was important for you destroys a person s life - and when then memories and flashbacks and physical as well as psychic reactions follow, there s no hope really that it will get better at all someday!
Nothing counted anymore, except the responsibility for my kids.
And there is and will be no way to explain, how hard it is to go through this really hard, dark and painful time ... and then, somehow it got better. I don t know why - suddenly there was a light again, although the disabilities were still there, are still there - I survived. Again.
And now I see, why all of this happened. I wrote a book - and I am just writing my second - one regarding the following disorders of child sexual abuse and it really still surprises me, when I hear from others who experienced that too, how thankful they are for my words, for my book because they don t find words for what happened to them.
Fighting for your right to be heard, especially in this taboo field, is really hard and to get out of this feeling of guilt as well.
But I believe it s worth it, no matter how hard it is, this taboo has to be broken! Too many kids and too many adults - men and women - are affected by child sexual abuse.
AND they have to be informed, what the effects of this abuse might have on them.
Just since a year now, I feel better and I really see the light again in life - in my life and how much it (and I myself) was influenced by some people and now, I am really thankful for that!
Mel Alazza
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