mel alazza

When I was young

I felt like a stranger in the ocean
feeling weird to swim
because I rather felt like flying
with those broken wings by my side
I just tried to swim
feeling misunderstood, unseen
and somehow not really inside
I run behind myself somehow
not feeling attached at all
to my inner self
my me wasn t real
used by a massive, hidden abuse
at a place called home
which never felt like one
strange feelings due to no development inside of me at all
never be one
never be done
with the inner work of trying to understand this all
never be loved
never be seen
in a world full of broken dreams
back at home
back, when I was young...

And when I was young:
I wanted to be loved so bad
to be accepted -
to be a part of it all
and as a result of this
I was nothing at all -
love I always tried to find
was so hard to touch
and I didnt understand
that karma means so much,
but I was so young
with no care for myself at all...
so I didn t learn:
I just went on and on!

When I was young
I run after love
tried to please a lot
did everything for feeling loved!
What a mess this made
this past abuse
it made me so confused
of me, myself
and of what is love!

It took a long way
a really long time
until I found out
what it means to be loved -
after childhood and youth
with being abused
it was just hard to see
the way for me...

After years and years
I fell apart
lost my family, my job
got sick so much -
I was black, I felt black, was depressive so much
with all those flashbacks and memories,
which never stopped!
It took my life -
it ripped me off!
I took strong medicine, had a lof ot surgerys,too -
but the only thing I gained,
was weight which deformed me too!
And still
I survived!
And still
I am here -
and the way went on, sometimes with therapie too,
which explains my reactions, my sickness,
my dark feelings too...
But still, I am here
and now I began
to feel thankful for this
as well being done
running after love,
because I suddenly knew:
there s nothing more to see
than just taking care of me!

My inner peace was burried by a long war -
my youth and childhood gone -
and inside of me
I finally saw
my me
so strange, but still strong
fighting for a life
which was never real
lost all of my dreams, my hopes, my targets I set -
life became hard and harder until
I found out
it s not important
to really hold on to all of this, still
and I finally laughed
of how silly that must be:
to see my struggeling me!

So I thought,
nothing worse can happen to me now
what didn t already happen to me -
and suddenly I let go
of worries and dreams
and childhood burdens
and then
after all those years:
I finally found me!

And life happens now
at this dear moment
in the present somehow -
and all of the sudden:
I felt better

life got better

peace was made!

I didn t ran after things, people and love -
and the knot of the past
became undone!

And now, it doesn t matter anymore,
how I was when I was young -
although I still feel sorry for this poor girl
sometimes
I was back then, when I was young -
but now I know
why it happened
that it is different now!

And now,
as an adult
and a mother of three:
I am happy and glad
and feel, that life is precious
and karma is good,
and that all of it was meant to be,
to break free from it all
- just for my kids
and just for me -
and all of this trouble made me good,
being the person I am now,
feeling finally complete
with being a better me!




Mel Alazza