behind laughing

Behind laughing

I'm in the class:
everyone laughs, silly around - me too
and feel different, marginalized
not belonging,
everything seems so silly, just too childish,
I do not belong to it!
No matter how hard I try to be like her,
I can not do it, but laugh with them,
I am like her, but different:
the behind my laugh, I live in fear!
Laughing, I'm sitting in this student round,
everybody laughs, they joke, they make an appointment -
I try it too, but notice, me, inside me,
I do not belong here!
I try less and less to be her, listen to my gut feeling -
try to integrate anyway,
even something to be like her,
even if it does not feel right
I try to be adapted:
the behind my laugh, lives so much insecurity!
Laughing, we mothers sit in a lap, the babies on our lap,
tell about the first moments of happiness -
again I realize
I'm different, I do not belong here because I'm just different -
I keep laughing, I'm friendly,
but feel strange among them,
and completely misunderstood.
I do not know why it is
but even when I laugh, I'm sad,
the behind my laugh, a shadow lives, which grabs and grabs me
and drag out of this life!
I sit there watching the kids play,
I'm so proud of them, watch them grow over the years!
I'm happy because they exist, they give me hope:
Hope that there is a life!
I'm still different from everyone, do not always feel attached to me,
but now deep inside me, with that story inside me, I'm just different -
I'm so deeply hurt that nothing normal is
my soul is just different and frozen so deep
that even with heat it is very difficult to warm.
The only heat, only my own heat,
that had cooled down so long that I just had died in me -
and only through long years of memory and time and strength and courage,
an authentic would be possible!
I am now me,
still not quite, never right -
behind the laughter, I am looking for me!