somehow survived

somehow survived

I flew so high up, thought I had done so, distanced myself more and more from what surrounded me, from the vague feeling of what I experienced - who I was, leaving behind all the chains and feelings and my "family" me…
and thought, I'm finally free!
I tried to make everything possible, to live my dream of family - to have children, to give my love so extensively, to study, to work, in spite of all the hardship of being single for three children - and even that I did not feel! Because I lived in a future, a sense of 'good earning', 'going to work' and having children who are almost grown-up and just as happy with how and what they are ...
And when I thought I'd done it, I finally freed, I fell down, broke everything that went and can be and landed deeper than deep, in a dark hole that surrounded my past and therefore me ...
I could see nothing, feel nothing, fought for life, which I did not feel anymore ... I did not really want to live anymore either - but what can I say !? The responsibility for my three - the very best in my life - forced me to continue because I could not leave her, without being ashamed of not having done justice to my responsibility.
So I kept going, upright only holding on to my sense of responsibility, getting it all together was the goal ...

No one saw it to me how heartbroken I was, how bad I felt, how drugged I was, what kept me in the past and how hard it was to see and feel all this ... deeper than deep fall and have nothing left, which will fill you with love and courage to continue to believe in a life, which may be positive. It was not about depression, it was about being "finished" with everything that was experienced and everything that is.
Always to be seen as strong, although I was so weak meanwhile and could not do anything, except to breathe somehow ... was not seen. To accept help was so incredibly difficult for me ... and almost never happened. Often I sat at the table, for hours, unable to move because I was stunned by all this difficult life and this crappy phase that surrounded me here. I could not anymore. There was nothing left. With difficulty I completed getting up, showering, dressing .... and felt like I had a 26 hour day behind me and knew I had to go through it, I had to: bring the kids away, go shopping, cook food..function!
I withdrew from everything and everything, feeling no more, and still more than ever, to somehow function.
How should one explain that if one does not understand it?
I'm not a whine, I never felt. It is always and always was about being understood - if not "seen" by the few contacts, friends who stayed. Above all, I wanted to understand myself ...
I could no longer hold contacts, make phone calls, conversations, everything was so damn hard because my head did not work anymore ... I was no longer true. How should anyone understand this, whom I did not even understand ?!

Time passed and I did not understand how I could live in a hamster wheel before, with the concern for study, work, children, relationship, and the emerging memories and the whole of what life was like at that time for me. Alone two appointments a day managed me already - how did I manage only 6 of them: in one day? And always with three children, because yes my family - and also the father mean - was not !? I do not know today, the only thing I know is that I did not want to be a "loser" anymore, that I wanted to achieve something ... I just wanted to be different than what I needed to be.
I wanted to understand at some point what happened to me - and why.
I knew my childhood was crap, been - but this abnormal thing was normal for me - so I did not see HOW it really was serious ... the extent of that, I'm still not fully aware, because I'm too deep in it put in the consequential disturbances of this manifold and multi-faceted abbuse.- and neglect time.
I was sexually abused and raped. I was neglected. I was severely mentally and mentally injured and traumatized ... I can now say that and name it - because I understood it, because I finally feel it and I know it! Nevertheless, it is often difficult to grasp this, because there is no end in sight ... no end of coming memories! Despite everything, I have to learn again and again to protect myself, especially in situations that make me freeze and make me feel so defenseless ... it does not happen often, but unfortunately it still happens.
I understand more and more - and I also know that for me this "fall deeply" was very shitty - but has shown me "me", completely destroyed my life and somehow reformatted especially in recent months again.
I already know something about myself, about what I somehow can, even though I've lost everything that was valuable to me. I've lost my dreams, my goals and desires, and - and that was the worst thing about it - lost that "me," what I thought, what could do.
I was mistaken.
I lived in a sham world. A semblance of what I mean, what makes me what I am, what I am and what I have to achieve, to what to be.
I did not feel it. I was not.

BUT, I know for sure that I now am.
AND I have only felt for about a year to feel, what am I - and what can I do. NOW.
It's all about this.
I had to stop, was thrown out, in the middle of an ocean full of sadness and desperation and discouragement, without being able to swim. I drowned a few times, was almost dead.
But I have - whatever - held on to myself, have learned to swim something ... although very slowly ... and even if I stayed on the spot, I got air. NOW. I could BREATH. Only for me. and that only counted ... there was not more ...
I looked at the sky above me. His times full of beauty and calm, his times in a violent storm ... I saw it, felt it. AND kept holding me up, gasping when a wave wanted to overturn me and hit me full of force. I FEEL E. I felt the water around me ... the coldness and violence of the waves, the deep whirlpools below me that kept inviting me to follow them, just letting me slide down ... I felt them ... and heard the birds looked up again and realized THAT is life. I felt L I F E. The very first time. AND BREATHED.
I get to know each other, felt my movements in the water ... now I swam and swim as I did need it.  BUT I did not NEED it no more.
I do not know if I W L L .... and that's the difference to the past. AND I see land again, but I do not need it anymore to have ground under my feet ...
AND I now know that I am not a failure, that I want to live - and that I can do it again.
And I have to admit, what better than this collapse three years ago, could not happen to me, even if the reason is simply unbearable:
because, in spite of the many things that make me feel the past, that I've experienced, I can finally be the way I am, becoming more "me" every day.
And like me, I'm learning to re-learn every day ... that's probably the biggest gift for me, despite all the difficulty and gravity, which still I S.
AND of course I would have liked it all differently - but it's just like it

NOW

IT IS.