Laughing, I walk upstairs, glad to see her ... tell, laugh and feel well. Drink and eat something and go outside again - to my friends who are already waiting for me - I am at home, safe.
Cheerful and happy I romp around, climb on a tree, my pants are torn and dirty at one knee, laugh with friends, play football and table tennis and sit in the evening tired and happy and secure on the couch, grandma cuts apples, we watch a movie ,
It's warm and cozy and in a warm blanket I cuddle up to the two most important people for me, in my little life: grandma and grandpa ...
and fall asleep at some point completely exhausted and really accepted and really loved. The next day we drive to the camper, and I immediately take the much too big wheel from Grandma and drive around, greet the familiar faces and get up after a sudden fall, the corner was too short and I too fast, as usual. .the short pain is just wiped away with the dirty hands and it goes on, the friends behind, the freedom to play and feel free and good does not wait ... and I know unconscious, later I get there with a loving and slightly smiling look and the deep, sighing and really serious sentence "you would have become a good boy" some ointment and a plaster on it .. and shortly thereafter it may be a small scar, but actually forgotten again ... unimportant and in Fall into oblivion. Safety, security .. and the knowledge, they are there.
Now.
Only a short time later, hard blows hit me with the hard wooden stick, leaving marks on my little body, pain crashing through me and fear, I protect myself and my head with my hands, they too get their punishment because I did not lie down and got up, wanted to drink.
I was angry, I did not obey. I continue to be beaten with the stick and thrust back against the walls and doors back into bed, with the flat of my hand hit him several times on the whole body, right in the face ... I shiver, do not know where to go with all those aching, anxious feelings, I cry, baseless, painful ... he shakes me and I am shouted: "Stop crying now, your screaming and howling is of no use to you, let it be a lesson to you - if I say something to you, you have to hear , Now shut up and sleep, - do what adults tell you. AND if I say something, you have to parry! "
I heard everything and nothing. My fear was so overpowering and strong
... everything hurt ...
my head, my back, my butt and my thighs ...
Never in my life have I felt like this, I rolled up painfully and laboriously on this hard and disgusting smelling sofa bed, which is so strange to me and does not belong to my life.
Every pain is like a lump of ice in my chest, freezing me, deep inside of me, everything is getting cold, I'm freezing and I feel like something is breaking inside of me. This loud noise in me and around me is suddenly deafening and envelops me, everything else is quieter, far away and I disappear, have disappeared, the first time in my life just gone out of me, this noise envelops me and carries me away , protect me, cover me ...
the pain disappears ... I feel weird, alone, weightless ...
nothing is left ... and everything is gone ... and I do not care, even the pain does not hurt anymore ...
I'm not me anymore, I'm not in pain anymore, I'm just not there anymore.
And I think I'm seven, was seven ... the day my soul broke and shattered for the first time ...
I froze and am .. and somehow disappeared ..
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